Cheers to the Freakin' Weekend

You know, Blass2000 is just full of city girls and city dogs. Annie and Padfoot came to us fresh from Atlanta, Georgia where hip-hop and baseball run wild. Cat is from Huntsville, Alabama and you can argue that it doesn’t count as a big city, but you’re wrong because Huntsville has a Target and that rules out about three-fourths of Mississippi. Then, I’m from Austin, Texas. That’s why I’m so cool yet approachable. Keep Austin weird.

But here we are in Starkville, Mississippi-deep in the heart of Oktibbeha County, home to the Bulldogs who claim national championships right and left in Disc Golf, and where a 3-5 SEC season finished strong with “All I Do is Win” ringing loud through Davis Wade. You might not see the irony there or find yourself wondering how we begin to sort through the overwhelming number of possible weekend night activities. So let me break it down for you: Applebee’s.

It all started with a summer birthday. You know what they say about July 29? “You only turn 20.5 once!” If you haven’t heard that, you probably just don’t have friends who run off all over the country to throw their cellphones and Internet access back to the 80s and work for pennies to the hour at summer camps. With no Instagram collages and emoji-filled birthday texts, “did she even turn 20?!?!” the crowds murmur to themselves. And thus, Kari Ashton Taylor’s twenty and one half birthday was born.

It’s Wednesday, and secret texts were sent out and plans were made. But just as swiftly as it all began, a boy band (playing at Rick’s that night) crushed the plans with a mention of Jesus in one member’s Twitter bio. With the first year of her twenties half way over, desperate for a man and a spiritual leader, Ashton was forced to go and find her husband at the local venue. What seemed to be a major blow to the birthday bash turned out to be far better than one could ever imagine.

It’s a Thursday night in this college town and that’s what we call the weekend. As the most beautiful girls this side of the Mississippi begin to gather sparkling cider and flowers in hand, Ashton arrives at day two of her celebration. “SURPRISE!” no one shouted because it was ruined the day before. But candles were lit (and then relit and then relit because the extra dollar for trick candles is absolutely worth it every time,) and happy birthday was sung. Queso was had and pictures were taken. A beautiful affair for all. RUF was attended and then it was time.

“Applebee’s! Roll out!” I shouted as my friends told me to stop yelling seven times. As this fine dining establishment is on the other side of the city we had our goodbyes and said, “see you in five!” as we drove off into what would be the sunset if it didn’t set at four o’clock these days. We arrived in tens of twenties. Slowly taking over the bar and grill. Flocking to the table we began to sign up for songs while a strapping young man free styled an original Christian rap song. I’ve never been so thankful for an Applebee’s in the Bible belt as I was in that moment. 

Cat and I searched in vain for Macklemore’s “Can’t Hold Us” but were promised it would be there by next week. Instead we settled on “Miss Independent” because I think there’s a little Kelly Clarkson in all of us. But not to be outdone, Cat Wilson Madonna (Katy Learned and Annie, remember?) sang a beautiful rendition of “Bust a Move.” And that they did.

Meanwhile, Laura and Kaitlyn were robbed of a chance to steal the spotlight, as a shwasty young couple closed the night with what might have been an original song but impossible to know for sure because like I said, shwasty. It wasn’t fair and it’s not okay. But we’ll be back next Thursday and every Thursday after that. Because when the 39759 Applebee’s opens its doors you don’t walk away. Until after you’ve dropped the mic.